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Utah, United States
This is where I will attempt to relay the symptoms of my delusion.

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

So, tonight was Pizza night, we got these fun little Space food looking pizza's from a fundraiser for my Niece.  Little Caesar's, make your own, frozen but fresh, cheese pizza's.   Hmmmm..  Well as soon as the Diva saw these, there was nothing cooler we could have for dinner.  Of course, the Alien just had to follow suit, and the both of them just had to make their own.

The Alien is first up, I place him on the counter, he savagely tears the packaging away from the crust.  I cut the top off of the sauce packet and tell him.  "SLOWLY, squeeze the sauce onto the pizza."

"Ok Daddy." he says with a sly smile on his face.  he grabs the packet and with his Kung-Fu Grip, he squeezes the crap out of the sauce packet.  Now all would have been dandy, IF I had cut the opening all the way, but I didn't.  The pressure built in the sauce packet, like it was 800 Million gallons of water flowing through a drainage pipe, then, suddenly, it exploded out of the hole.  The sauce now traveling at Warp Speed hit the crust, and ricocheted off.  Sauce flying everywhere, I grab the alien and combat roll him off of the counter.  We land on the floor and the sauce covers everything.  Actually, just a little drop got onto the counter, but it makes for a better story the other way.  Now, it is time for cheese, I tell the Alien "Grab a handful, and place it on the crust."  Apparently that is to be understood as, "Grab a handful and smash it in between your fingers and punch it into the center of the crust".....  Which is what happened.  So, I wipe off his hand, fix the pizza to make it at least resemble a pizza, and kick him out of the kitchen.

Now, The Diva, She walks in and gives me that look.  You know the one that says, Dad I can do this myself. So, I grab her and lift her up to the counter.  She allows me to open the crust, apparently, plastic is her kryptonite.  I open the crust and set it on the paper towel, I am a quick learner.  She looks at me, shakes her head and reaches over to the crust, and centers it on the paper towel.  She truly is my daughter.  I reach over, grab the sauce, cut the top off and hand it to her.  Like a surgeon, she squeezes a small amount onto the crust, moves over to the other side and repeats this until she has four even piles of sauce spread around the crust.

"Spoon." she demands holding out her hand, eyes still fixed on the surgery she is preforming.

I reach over and hand her the spoon.  She reaches down with the spoon and lets it hover just over the Pizza.  Then gently sets the spoon onto a pile and moves the sauce around.  Repeating this until the sauce is spread over every inch of the crust.

"Cheese." She announces, holding out her hand.

" Not too much, honey."  I say.  Her eyes flash to me scolding me for speaking to her while she is in the middle of this surgery.  I lift the cheese bag up, and hold it open for the Diva surgeon.

She reaches in, grabs a pinch, places it on the pizza.  I know right now that this is going to get painful.  She reaches in again to grab another pinch and places it on the pizza on the opposite half, and continues to do this until every inch of sauce is covered.

Now, Finally, I can get these pizza's in the oven.  I pick up The Alien's pizza, holding it together, barely, and place it on the cooking stone.   I grab for the Diva's pizza and she slaps my hand away.  "I am going to hold it."  She states with authority.  I raise my hands and she gently picks it up off of the paper towel, careful not to let the pizza get off balance by even one degree.  She scoots over and places it on the stone.

Now, into the oven.  Bake at 450 Degrees, for 7-9 Minutes.......

Ding.....

Both of them run in behind me to see their Masterpieces.  The Mad Surgeon and the Mad.....  Well just Mad one.  I reach in and they both gasp in disbelief.

"Huuuhhh." They say in unison.  "They are gonna be hot."

Ummmmm......... Yeah, that is the point.

I get them onto the plates and start to cut the Alien's pizza, which is falling apart.  Then I move over to the Diva's Pizza.  That is when she notices..........  There is uncovered sauce on the edge.  "Quickly," she yells, "get me 5 c.c.'s of cheese, and some hemostats.  Code Red on the Dinner plate."

"Honey, it is fine if there is a little spot of uncovered sauce."  I plead with her.

Disdainfully, she looks at me and says.  "It will not taste good, if there is not enough cheese."

Rolling my eyes, I place a pinch of cheese on the uncovered spot.  Which mind you, IS NOT MELTED!!!!!!

Then without any further complaints, the pizza is consumed, and guess what, the cheese fell off of the uncovered spot while I was cutting, and The Diva was none the wiser.  just don't tell her that.

That, is how we make pizza in this house....


Timmy OUT!!!

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